Top Headline September 10, 2009

Congress Unanimously Passes the New “Obama is a Nazi with Gay Cooties” Health Care Reform Plan

“It’s been a long and difficult road, as I predicted it would be,” said President Barack Obama as he signed the new comprehensive health care reform plan into law today after its being unanimously approved by both houses of Congress.
Critics on the left suggest that in the process of seeking support from Republicans, the bill may have been “watered down too much.” Specifically, some left wing pundits have expressed concern that nowhere in the bill is the issue of health care actually addressed. But moderate Democrats in Congress welcomed the bill.
“From the beginning, I expressed my doubts that the health care reform bill should not be too radical for the American people,” said Rep Gabrielle Giffords (D-AZ), “And Obama listened to our concerns.”
Alaska’s Republican Senator Lisa Murkowski agrees, showing evidence of the surprising amount of across-the-aisle success that the bill has received since Mr Obama repackaged it in his speech on Wednesday, September 9.
“During the month of August, I repeatedly came out with vague warnings that we must not attempt to solve too many problems all at once,” said Murkowski. “And the President listened and came forward with a bill that does not solve any problems at all. This is the sort of bill that I'm proud to support, because it’s consistent with the sort of policy I’ve worked for since being appointed to office by my daddy in 2002.”
National Public Radio’s political analyst Ken Rudin noted in his Political Junkie column that this legislation was groundbreaking. “For a while there we thought Obama might not be able to do it. We were afraid that this would be exactly the same scenario as the 1993 attempt at health care reform, about which I’ve written extensively. But Obama surprised us by coming out with the only piece of legislation that I can remember that not only does nothing at all about the issue that it’s supposed to solve, but it’s also the first law that’s composed almost entirely of derogatory insults from start to finish.”
Some of those so-called insults, such as “We hereby resolve that Barack Obama is a big fat Kenyan atheist,” “Barack Obama is a two-timing skanky adulterous semi-human with Nazi rabies and nasty socks he doesn’t wash” and “There’s just something icky about that Obama guy,” were key in winning the enthusiastic support of the Tea Bagger Protest movement, which once seemed an unwinnable constituency.
In addition, Obama was able to win the approval of those who'd previously questioned the high price of the bill.
“Originally, we were worried that a trillion dollars spent over ten years to help make our health system more equitable and effective would be like just throwing money away,” said Grover Norquist, head of Americans for Tax Reform. “However, the current bill includes precisely zero dollars be spent in improving the health care system. Instead, the bill calls for a mere 5 trillion dollars to be spent in the next two months in giveaways to wall street bankers who have pledged to make America safer by building robots that will more efficiently kill Afghan civilians. If that's not a solid investment in our future, I don't know what is.”
During the signing ceremony held in the Oval Office, Obama discussed his efforts to court these and other parts of the American public.
“As early as my State of the Union Speech, I called on the American people to step forward and start a serious discussion of the health care issues that face our nation, issues such as the spiraling cost of health care, the large number of uninsured, and the difficulty that small businesses have providing coverage to their employees. I asked you for ideas about these and other important questions, and you, the American people, responded not with serious debate, but with the sort of irrational conspiracy theories, fear mongering, and bizarre distortions of simple truth which are guaranteed to distract and confuse, to frustrate the honest, bewilder the sensible, and ultimately crush and destroy the well meaning spirit of the hopeful. And I listened. I listened to our national news media as they focused relentlessly on the sort of trash talk and hate speech that you, the American people, are most interested in regurgitating and obsessing upon. And, with the help of my unique network of grass roots volunteers, I helped craft a piece of legislation that proves that I am not only the president of those who voted for me last year hoping for a serious shift toward a more civilized and humane union; nor only of the equally serious fiscal conservatives who worry about the financial soundness of our nation; but especially for those are scared to talk or even think about serious issues, but do enjoy seeing people get in shouting fights and hissy fits on cable television. You see, this was never about me; it’s about you. It’s about how loud you can shout, how much you can shock, and the incredible tenacity of American wing nuts in believing that the best way to confront frightening problems is by retreating into a bizarre, violent and disturbingly childish fantasy world.”
The bill gained strong support from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who lauded it’s provision legalizing the use of so-called “death-panels” to hunt down and kill the “stinking gay pinko Nazi ACLU swine who voted for that nasty Obama guy who isn’t even an American citizen anyway.”
“Death panels were my idea from the start,” said Palin, “And nothing makes me happier than to see them turned against some, some, of the people in this great land of plenty and teeming along the road of character and responsibility, and job losses, and a lot of the people I’ve talked to are afraid. But I think that’s okay, because deep down there are people who honor the idea of that American soldier who’s out there dyin’ for stuff that I think I believe in and I’ll betchya you probably believe in, too. To sum up, it’s all about the future, and about jobs, and responsibility, and forward funding education which are not all, but just some of the great things that you’re just not going to be able to get if, ya know, journalists just keep makin’ stuff up.”
Palin made no comment on rumors that she was planning to run the position of Divine Empress of the Galaxy in 2012.
Asked to comment on the health care bill, Organizing for America political strategist David Plouffe said, “Of course, some of the volunteers who came out and knocked on doors and made phone calls are probably feeling a little disappointed. They were hoping to get some protection for those hard working Americans who find themselves at the mercy of big insurance companies, for those Americans who are just one illness away from going bankrupt. They were hoping for a bill with a strong public option and instead they’re being hunted down by homeland security agents carrying submachine guns. But the important thing to remember is that progress doesn’t happen overnight. The small, incremental, nearly nonexistent victories we achieve today are almost sure to lead down a possibly inevitable path to hope and change which will be achieved sometime in the unspecified future.”
Plouffe appeared to want to say more, but was force to duck for cover to avoid being hit by sniper fire deployed by incoming Secretary of Homeland Security Secretary Scott Roeder.

Dog Sees God

I just wanted to throw in a quick plug for this excellent show now being performed at Out North theater here in Anchorage. It features some of our best young actors in town handling some really challenging material, and the results are incredible. I especially like the way that the script develops characters and ideas from the beloved Peanuts comic strip about philosophizing school kids. We're living in an era of official remakes, where Dr Seuss and JRR Tolkein and King Kong and Batman and the Dukes of Hazzard all have to be restarted again and again every few years in what resembles a sort of weird devotional cult behavior, returning again and again to the sources of past entertainment, leaving at their our virginal young audiences drugged into a stupor by the freshest flowers of our exotic garden of computer graphics. Some people may complain that Dog Sees God violates the sanctity of its beloved characters by showing them as high school kids who swear and and have sex and beat each other up, but to me it lends itself to exactly the sort of real, thoughtful creative exploration that made these characters interesting in the first place. If you have the opportunity, please see this show.